A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
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attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I can’t be the only one 😂
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
accurate
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.