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a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Did…did a minotaur write this
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.