*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
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Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Something Saturday.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.