Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
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This is a fact based meme 😏😂
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.