Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
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Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
“You’d better run, egg!”
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old