If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
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[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
If a snake ate a cake