Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
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You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between