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Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
This hospital has everything
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.