The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
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The legends were true
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.