Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
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I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
A new level of troll.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]