Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
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Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2