him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.