I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
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[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.