[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
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Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.