I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
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Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …