Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
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Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
🌱🌱🌱
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile