Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
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“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that