Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
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Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Introverted vegans go meetless
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.