Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
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I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU