No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
You Might Also Like
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
called in thicc to work this morning
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single