If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
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*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I hate my earbuds.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?