“i am a sweet baby”
You Might Also Like
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Childbirth is so beautiful
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda