God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
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Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.