Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
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Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”