I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
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It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.