Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
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The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?