I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
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Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.