If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
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Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Jogging has never helped my memory.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.