Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
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Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about