Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
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Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.