HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
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I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals