it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
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lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Good morning.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.