DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
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Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I’m confused about plants
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
This probably isn’t good
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer