birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
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me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.