My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
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CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Namaste
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN