The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
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getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.