You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
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[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?