An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
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*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
A woman drives into a bar.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.