I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
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At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school