[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
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Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Anime is real
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Meeeee too!
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.