Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
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I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet