Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
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Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Just how popey was the pope today?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say