Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
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As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird