My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
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*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
she has a point
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”