I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
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I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I think I’m having a stroke
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks