Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
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[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes