ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
You Might Also Like
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
i- i did not expect this
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.