How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
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Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.