foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
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MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Potatoes were such a good idea
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy