Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
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Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.